When Your Trans Adult Child Comes Home for the Holidays and Everything Feels Different

There’s a moment that doesn’t get talked about much in conversations about supporting our trans kids who are adults, living independently, sometimes miles away from home.

It’s the first holiday they come home after living as their authentic self, the first time you see them again after months of being away at school or work, of watching their life unfold in pictures, captions, and FaceTime calls.

For many families this is a joyful return: laughter in the kitchen, catch-up stories by the fireplace, plates overflowing and warmth in the air. But for some parents of trans children, it can feel like a second coming-out all over again, this time in a body or expression that looks different from the last time you were together.

I was reminded of this when a university student I know shared how they haven’t felt ready to go home since they fully transitioned. They love their family and they long for familiarity and connection. What they fear is the shock they anticipate in the eyes of the people they love most.

I think about the parents I work with, the ones who adore their children, who do want to show up with open hearts, but who also find themselves startled or unprepared in those first moments of reunion.

One mom shared with me how she was taken aback by how womanly her daughter looked, by how much had changed since the last time they were in the same room. She felt blindsided. She loved her child with every fibre of her being and yet in that instant she felt something familiar and unbidden: surprise, discomfort, a moment of disorientation.

What I want every parent who reads this to know is this: those feelings are real and they are human. Being caught off-guard doesn’t make you uncaring. It doesn’t make you unsupportive. What matters isn’t that you never feel surprised, it's what you do with that surprise.

For parents of trans kids, the holiday season can be a beautiful opportunity to show up in ways that feel supportive and that are supportive. There are small preparatory steps that can make a big difference.

You can start by seeing what your child has already shared online, photos, captions, moments they chose to show the world. You can ask gentle questions like, “What’s been changing for you lately?” or “What parts of your transition feel most affirming to you now?” As long as these questions come from a place of celebration and curiosity, most kids will welcome them.

You can also remind yourself before they walk through the door that their appearance may be different from the last time you were together. That it will be okay. What matters more than familiarity is love, presence, and steadfast support. When your child crosses that threshold, they aren’t looking for perfection. They are looking for safety, the sense that their home is a refuge where they don’t have to shrink, explain, or justify who they are.

I want the parents reading this to imagine the weight that lifts when a trans kid sees their parent’s eyes soften, sees a smile that feels like welcome, sees a parent who doesn’t flinch when they use their name and pronouns. That relief and sense of security and knowledge that you are loved unconditionally, in whatever form you take is life-affirming.

Holidays can hold connection, joy and family AND they can also hold awkwardness, surprise and growth.

Supporting your trans child through the holidays doesn’t mean you never feel uncomfortable. It means you choose connection over avoidance, curiosity over fear, love over hesitation... again and again.

When you do that, you make your home a place they want to return to not just for the holidays, but for every ordinary moment in between.