Getting They/Them Pronouns Right Isn’t About Grammar

I want to admit something that might surprise people who know how committed I am to supporting LGBTQ+ kids and their families.

I still slip up on they/them pronouns sometimes.

Not because I don’t understand grammar, not because I don’t understand what non-binary means and definitely not because I don’t care.

I know exactly how to use “they” in a sentence. I use it naturally when I don’t know someone’s gender. I know that non-binary people are not “confused” or “undecided” but simply people whose gender exists outside the categories of man and woman. This is not new information for me.

And yet, I’ve still said the wrong word.

It happened recently in a session with a new client whose child uses they/them. The parent used the correct pronouns consistently, but I slipped once or twice. My daughter has a close friend who is non-binary, and I have slipped with them too. Each time, I felt that sting of frustration in myself. I know how important this is. I know what it communicates when we get it right. And still, occasionally, the old neural pathways win.

So no, the challenge isn’t knowledge. It’s habit.

Our brains love old patterns. They reach for familiar language even when our hearts are long past it. That doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us human and being human means noticing where our patterns need to evolve and choosing to practice something new with intention.

Here’s what practicing looks like for me:

• I rehearse aloud sometimes, especially when I know I need to speak about a non-binary person.

• I leave a note in my client’s file so the correct pronouns are right in front of me.

• My daughter’s friend is listed with “they/them” in my contacts, so I see it every time their name comes up.

When I do slip, I correct myself immediately and move on, without getting defensive. It's simply a quick course correction that keeps the focus where it belongs: on respecting the person in front of me.

This matters because pronouns are not grammar exercises. They are relationships. They are moments of recognition. They are small everyday signals that say, I see you. I am trying. Your identity is real. Getting pronouns right communicates safety. Getting them wrong, especially repeatedly or dismissively, communicates something else.

Parents often tell me, “I’m afraid to get it wrong,” or “I don’t want to hurt my kid,” or “What if I’m supportive but still mess up?”

And my answer is always the same: messing up is normal. What your child will remember most is not whether you made a mistake but how you handled it. They will notice that you are practicing. They will feel that you’re invested in meeting them where they are, not pulling them back into the comfort of where you’ve always been.

Change starts with practice, support grows from willingness and respect is built one correct pronoun at a time.

If you are parenting a non-binary or trans child and struggling with pronouns, not because of resistance but because of old patterns that take time to rewrite, you are not alone. This is work we can do together, with love, because every time you get it right, you’re strengthening the bridge between you and your child. And that bridge is worth every bit of practice.