When Your Child Comes Out as Trans: Fear, Guilt, and Finding a New Way Forward

What felt like the end of one chapter of our lives was actually the start of a truer , deeper, more connected relationship with my child.

When my 22 year-old daughter came out as trans, I wanted to be the perfect, supportive parent. I didn’t question her, in fact I told her I was on board from the start and that I loved her and was proud of her. She dried her tears (yes, she'd been afraid to tell me!) and got out of my car, waving good-bye with a smile. I drove around the corner, pulled over and began to sob.

Why? Like many parents I’ve spoken to, I felt things I didn’t expect to feel, or want to feel.

Fear.

Guilt.

Sadness.

I was afraid of what the world might say and afraid that I wouldn’t know how to help her navigate this.

I felt guilty for wondering what this meant for my identity as a boy-mom, guilty that I hadn't known sooner, guilty that she hadn't been nervous about telling me.

And, honestly, I felt sadness, too, the kind of sadness that comes when things change so fast that you just can't keep up. And that sadness left me with more guilt. How could I, an open-minded, LGBTQ+ positive person be feeling this way about something so important to my child?

The Moment That Shifted Everything

Meanwhile my son (my younger child) had read his sibling's announcement of her trans identity on twitter. When I came in and he saw my face, he reframed it all in one sentence.

“Mom, the only thing that’s changed is that you know your child better than you did before. You know the truth instead of what she was hiding.”

Those words stopped me in my tracks and I began to realize I wasn’t losing anything real. I was gaining clarity, honesty, connection and the chance to parent my daughter as who she really is, not as who I had assumed she was. I'm not suggesting it was easy after that, but I can honestly look back now and say that it was the beginning.

Why Fear and Guilt Are Normal (and Not the End of the Story)

If you have felt fear, guilt, or sadness since your child came out, you are not alone. These emotions don’t mean you don’t love your child. They mean you’re facing a big change, and change always brings uncertainty. What matters is not whether you feel sad or afraid. It's whether you let yourself get stuck there.

The good news is that feelings can shift. With support, reflection, and honest conversations, they often give way to something stronger: confidence, connection, and deep pride in your child.

What Helps Parents Move Forward

Here are a few things that helped me, that I now share with the parents I support:

• Name the feeling without judgment. Telling yourself (not your child), “I feel scared” doesn’t make you unsupportive. It makes you self-aware.

• Look for the reframe. Ask: what am I gaining, not what am I losing?

• Stay connected. Closeness matters more than perfect words, so just continue to be present, available and loving.

• Talk less. Listen more. Your child is not expecting you to have all the answers and they have probably been thinking about this for a long time. Let them talk and for now, just be with them.

• Seek help if it feels too big. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

  
  

You’re Not Alone

Whether your child’s difference shows up in fiery tantrums or in quietly sharing their true identity, the common thread is this: you know they need something from you, and you’re not sure what it is yet, or how you're going to give it to them.

You don’t have to carry that load by yourself. There’s room for your emotions and a path forward that leads to a stronger connection with your child.

👉 If you want a place to start, download my free guide: What to Do When Your Kid Comes Out (and You’re Still Catching Up). It's available in the Free Resources section of my website.