"Coming out" is just one moment in time, but it feels completely different depending on which side of it you’re on.

When you and your child experience their "coming out" moment so differently, can you find a way forward together?

This week was National Coming Out Day and it gave me pause, thinking about all the different pieces of what seems like a very simple moment. When a child comes out as trans, there are two stories unfolding at once. The child (used here to mean your offspring of any gender and any age) has likely been preparing for months, sometimes years, while the parent is hearing the news for the first time.

For the child, coming out is about moving toward something: freedom, authenticity, and the relief of no longer hiding. For the parent, it can feel like being asked to move away from what they thought was true. The difference in timing and perspective can make the same moment feel worlds apart.

The Child’s Experience: Moving Toward Authenticity

By the time your child comes out, they’ve already been through an internal process of reflection and fear. They may have tried on names and pronouns privately, come out to friends, or rehearsed the words they’ll say to you. The moment they tell you is often one of courage and deep hope.

They’re stepping into visibility and inviting you to see them as they truly are. This is often called inviting in, a moment of trust, not just declaration. When their parent responds with joy, relief floods in. When the reaction is hesitant or uncertain, they may feel rejected, even when that’s not what you intend.

The Parent’s Experience: Caught Off Guard

For most parents, this moment arrives without rehearsal. You’re suddenly expected to respond perfectly, to say the right thing, to express support, to use the right language, all while your world tilts.

You might feel fear, confusion, sadness, or even guilt. Some parents interpret these feelings as grief, but often they’re a reaction to change or to the sudden realization that your child was carrying something big without your knowledge. It can feel like you missed the signs or that you’re somehow late to the truth.

If you say you’re “grieving,” your child may hear that they’re being mourned, when they feel they’re finally getting to live. That mismatch of experience can be painful for both sides.

The Fear Beneath the Surface

Many parents’ fears aren’t about identity. They’re about safety and the future. You’ve seen the headlines about anti-trans laws, violence, and discrimination. You might wonder: Will my child be safe? Will they find love, a career, a community?

Those fears make sense. But they also make it harder to see your child’s joy in the moment. When fear speaks louder than love, communication breaks down. What your child needs most is to know that you still see them as capable, lovable, and worthy of belonging.

What Helps Parents “Catch Up”

Understanding that your experiences are unfolding on different timelines can help you stay connected. Your child has been thinking about this for a long time; you’re just beginning. You’re learning in real time, and that’s what this moment asks of you.

Here are a few ways to bridge the gap:

• As each new reveal unfolds over the coming weeks and months, keep it simple. You won’t have time to plan your response, and that’s okay. A sincere “Thank you for telling me” or “I love you, and I’m listening” is enough.

• Give yourself space to process later. Once things have settled, take time to notice what’s coming up for you. You might feel relief, confusion, pride, or fear and naming those emotions for yourself helps you understand what’s really happening.

• Name what’s happening for you in a supportive way. Saying “I need a little time to process this, but I love you and I’m here” can be powerful.

• Don’t turn to your child for emotional processing. Seek support elsewhere; through a parent coach, a therapist, or a support group for parents of transgender kids.

• Stay curious. Ask open questions like “What feels most supportive right now?” or “Who else knows?” to show trust without pressure.

• Remember, repair is possible. If your first reaction wasn’t ideal, it’s never too late to apologize, clarify, and reconnect.

  
  

Moving Toward Each Other

The goal isn’t to slow down your child’s journey or to rush your own. It’s to move toward understanding, together. You don’t need to have every answer. You just need to keep showing up.

Getting professional or peer support can make this process easier. It helps you catch up emotionally without placing that burden on your child or risking outing them before they’re ready.

If this is where you are, wanting to support your transgender child but feeling unsure how, know that you’re not alone. Working with a parent coach who specializes in parents of trans kids can help you steady yourself, process your emotions, and rebuild your confidence as a parent.

👉 Book a free 60-minute online consult at www.thewayforwardcoaching.ca/consult.During our conversation, you’ll get more clarity about what’s happened, what you want, and what might help you move forward.

If we choose to work together, we’ll focus on helping you move from fear, sadness, and guilt toward connection, confidence, and genuine pride, in your child and in yourself. Your child doesn’t have time for you to feel stuck, and you don’t want to stay there either. Together, we’ll help you catch up so you can look back on this moment knowing you were truly there when it mattered most.